I met Ryan 12 years ago and life has been a whirlwind ever since. It’s gone by in the blink of an eye. I thought finding the right person and getting married was called settling down but we have never been in one spot for long. Ryan likes to chase big dreams and I like to chase Ryan.
Twelve years with one person, especially when meeting so young is not without its difficulties. Add basic trainings and deployments and job changes and typical life changes, school and financial struggles, and then there’s starting a family and you’re bound to have some less than happy times. I’m not going to sugar coat it, we have been in lots of high stress times and I don’t handle stress well, but just when I think, we could never get though this, we do and I love him all the more! There is no one else I’d rather go through this crazy life with.
2017 has been no different than the past 12 years as far as that whirlwind norm. We started the year renting our home, living with the inlaws, moving to a whole new state and starting flight school. Our plan was to ride our flight school without any surprises and head back home in 2018 as a family of five. God has other plans. We were shocked, but nevertheless thrilled, that 3 days after moving into our new home in Alabama we discovered we were pregnant!
It’s amazing how quickly a body recognizes new life. I was nauseas way before that line turned pink. I instantly start eating everything in sight and throwing it all up. My kidneys kicked into over drive and I was up 3 times a night to pee. I needed naps when the kids needed naps. If the body reacts to new life this quickly the heart and mind are right on track! I loved this baby instantly! And just one week later we were shopping for minivans to fit our growing family. Ryan stayed up all night reworking our budget and I put together a plan to work until the baby came so that we could save. I shared the news with family and friends immediately because I like to share happy news and I like all the support, prayers and good vibes that I can take during a pregnancy.
I went for my first OB appointment a few weeks later and she used a hand held ultrasound machine in here office and told me I was measuring 6 weeks but the baby was too small to get exact dates and to come back in two weeks for a full scale ultrasound. At my 8 week ultrasound the gestational sac measures 8 weeks but it was empty. There was no cute little baby bean inside. Just a big black empty hole. The Doctor came in and told me that it looked like I had miscarried but that she was conservative and would check another ultrasound in one week just to be certain.
In the mean time I grieved over a baby that I lost. Then I got angry that my body still FELT PREGNANT! What a betrayal!!! Why was I hungry and tired and emotional? Why did I pee and puke all the time ? For nothing! Then I was hopefully full of denial. I wasn’t cramping or bleeding. I had gained weight and I had all the signs of pregnancy. I filled my brain with online blogs about women who were told they had miscarried early on but it turned out at a later ultrasound that they were just wrong about their dates! If I was a couple of weeks earlier than I thought the baby might not yet be visible on an ultrasound. It could happen!
At my repeat ultrasound one week later there was still no baby. The Doctor explained that the baby likely had a chromosome abnormality and stopped developing so early on that its little body wasn’t even visibly on the ultrasound. My body did not recognize that there was no live fetus and continued to grow it’s home. I grew a gestional sac measuring ten weeks for no baby. I gained 6 pounds. In the 6 weeks that I had known I was pregnant I built a dream, a life, revolving around my family of six. Now that dream and that life were gone.
I had a D and C two days later. The Doctor had suggested there was too much “tissue” to pass at home and likely I would need to come in for the surgery even if I tried to pass it naturally. Honestly, I didn’t want to pass it naturally . I have 3 children under 4 and I can’t even pee alone. I did not want to go through this painful, emotional , medical, rollercoaster with them at home. I wanted to be asleep. Even though I had never had any type of surgery before and the thought of being “asleep” also terrified me. The night before my surgery I cried to Ryan asking him what his plan was if I spontaneously died on the operating table, even though I am a nurse and I know that a D and C is a very typical outpatient surgery. When I finally fell asleep I dreamt of one of my favorite people my Aunt Debbie. The next morning I woke up and my daily verse on my Bible app. was a verse I had shared with Debbie before she checked in to hospice. When I arrived at the hospital the sweet nurse who checked me in was Bettie, a nickname my children had given to Debbie. I knew everything was going to be fine.
So now I am in the healing process. I feel physically fine. Most of the time I feel emotionally fine. I think I’m currently feeling more grateful than ever for the 3 boys and 1 man that God has already blessed me with. Some times I am not so fine. Strange things bring on breakdowns, like a jar of Prego spaghetti sauce in the grocery aisle. I know that God has a purpose for everything , even heartbreak, and I know that his plan for me and my family is good, so I go on.
And going on we have been! I want to end this post on a happy note! We have been celebrating the life we do have here in Alabama by exploring the world around us! Here are some of the fun things that we have been doing!
No matter what the plan is I am thankful for my family and friends and this current life here in Alabama. Thank you all for your love and support!