The end of a long summer day arrives. Awake far too long trying to cram three lives into one saturday. On the road before dawn, work all morning, fish all afternoon, socialize into the night. Head meets feathers, drift into darkness. The phone rings, a familiar voice in an unfamiliar tone, “John, listen, Kay is in the hospital… It doesn’t look good…” Bolt upright. “Where? what room? What happened?…”

The last three weeks have had a profound effect on how I view myself, life, and the world around me. They say you should live everyday as though it were your last. I used to think that was a silly sentiment, and to a certain extant my opinion remains unchanged. It is impossible to maintain the high of an infinite end perspective, but there is something to be said for living each moment in a manner you can be proud of. After all, you may not have the opportunity to make things right later.

Dull, rainy spring days. Two people confined together too long in one small apartment. An arrangement of convenience and lust, smoothed over time into something more. “This isn’t healthy. I need to know what you want from this. Either we are or we aren’t.” Weathered in pride and frayed by a stubborn inability to admit what that something is. “I don’t know how to answer that…” “You just did.”

Having the last word is never as satisfying as you think it will be. Too often we take for granted that we can reconcile our differences later. That there will be another day for apologies and atonement.

“What do you mean? Where are you going?”  ”Out…”  ”And if I’m not here when you come home?”  ”Don’t come back… ever.”

The concept of revenge is the most primal element of human nature. The desire to get even, the _need_ to hurt someone in the way they hurt you is etched into the innermost fibers of the subconscious.

Cold, sterile walls bathed in the harsh whiteness of artificial light in the middle of the night. The quiet of a hospital at night isn’t peaceful, but rather solemn. Rather than calm, the air is filled with the discomfort of a thousand silent screams. “Why?” The involuntary expressions of the face betray everything we would otherwise hide. “I don’t know… I just… everything got out of hand, everything got too hard…”  ”But why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you come to me?”  Tears tell the story that words could never do justice. “I think you made it abundantly clear how you felt! I didn’t want it to turn out this way…” Sometimes there is nothing left to be said, sometime the long pause of silence says it all.  ”The doctors think I’ll be healthy enough to discharge tomorrow. I’m going into rehab, they won’t let me have visitors for the first 2 weeks… I think it’s time to say goodbye.”  ”What do you mean?”  ”I mean don’t come back… Ever.”

I’ve done and said a lot of things in my life I’m not proud of, but I’m learning. I’m learning that who is right is meaningless in the face of what is right. I’m learning that I can’t fix everything broken in the world, or even all those things in which I broke. At the end of the day, all we are is the sum of our interactions. When someone asks me how my day is, before I answer I think to myself, “Am I proud of the person I’ve been today?” The answer isn’t always yes, but the ratio is improving, and I think that counts for something.

So I ask you: How was your day?

Having a monster of a day. Crushed it right out of the gate at the gym this morning. Blew past a cop at waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over the speed limit without getting pulled over. Went to work. Killed the Grimace. Worked through an awkward lunch. Pulled a Titus and told my ex at said lunch to “Climb down off your cross, use the wood to build a bridge and GET OVER IT!” Got the cleaning done and now I need some sleep. Been a very productive Sunday.

More experimenting:

Ingredients;

• Green Tea – 1 cup
• Gold Standard 100% Whey Protein (French Vanilla Creme) – 1 Scoop
• Lowfat Plain Yogurt – 1/4 cup
• Raw Almonds – 1/4 cup
• Kiwi – 1 cup
• Strawberries – 1 cup

Put green tea and protein powder in blender and mix with a spoon into a slurry. Add the remaining ingredients and blend until smooth.

Like before, I buy the fruit fresh and freeze it. I skin and slice the kiwi prior to freezing. This is a particularly high charged blend. The ingredients list will make a rather large smoothie. I like them bigger as they are a meal replacement for me rather than an after workout snack. As I snack I would use half the ingredients for a smaller smoothie. Also, skipping the almonds would remove 160 calories, 6g carbs, 14g fat and 6g protein.

I guess that’s the best way to put it. I don’t know if I am wiser, or more mature, but definitely changing. Four years ago the concept of paying a hosting company a monthly fee for a host server seemed ludicrous to me. It wasn’t about the $8/month fees, it was more about the concept of do-it-yourself web hosting. I used to enjoy battling with non-cooperative routers and constant software updates while keeping older than dirt hardware up and running. I still like to have control over my own webspace, but after this most recent spike or router issues versus a new ISP who didn’t care for home web hosting, I’ve given up. The last thing I want to do at the end of the day is constantly maintain a server, routers and sidestepping ISP’s. The peace of mind and lack of maintenance is worth the $8/month I’m now paying Godaddy for hosting. Good riddance. Anybody want a B&W Power Mac G3 Server? Comes with a second B&W server for spare parts all on the cheap.

In other news, thank god the conference finals involve Detroit playing another Midwest team. Aside from the spectacle of watching a blood soaked old fashioned match up, it also signals the end of 2230 EDT start times. I have a job Bettman, you spineless Wing-Fan-Hating sonuvawhore. Prediction: Wings in 5

One much welcomed surprise this spring has been the performance of the Tigers, primarily the rotation staff. Verlander is dealing lately, Jackson is maturing into a legitimate number 2 or 3 man, and Porcello is performing above expectations for a Rookie who has never pitched above High-A ball. Bonderman is about 2 starts from rejoining the Tigers. The only real dark point is the apparent slipping of Galarrag into a sophomore slump. If his team mates maintain their pace, though, it should be well manageable. Dontrelle Willis may or may not be ready to be a big leaguer again. His first start was nothing to write home about, but he threw strikes, and that was the problem before. I fully expect him to get beat up tomorrow by the Rangers offense, but I would like to see how he comes out on Sunday against the Rockies in inter-league play. An interleage Memorial Day Weekend Sweep of the Rockies would make an excellent birthday present.

Had a great weekend in Lansing last weekend. This weekend may or may not be more of the same on the home front. The company of a history of unwise decisions is making her way into Global Command for the weekend, I’m sure I will be making even more poor decisions than usual this coming weekend. What can you do?

I’ve been waiting, waiting under things that rise in the morning.
I’ve been holding, holding back so long…
You can own it, take it off my hands, do me a favor.
Nothing wasted, just fingerfucked and busted up all at once…

I’m so lost out on the highway with no direction left to go.
Everyday sit up and wonder where it was I started from…